How to Save an Old PC

I’ve been having a rough time with my laptop.

My laptop is probably one of the most important tools I have in my life. I use it for work. I use it to get my creative juices out with my writing. I use it to pay my bills and to schedule my family events like doctor appointments. I use it to communicate with loved ones. I use it to help navigate through life. I lovingly call it my “cauldron” because it is where the magic happens.

Unfortunately, my laptop has never quite worked. The webcam software has always insisted that there was not a physical camera installed in the unit, and I never bothered to open it up to confirm that there was nothing behind the shiny lens. Countless attempts to get the Bluetooth capabilities working have been frpopuitless. I finally just assumed that my laptop was delivered to me with those pieces missing, and I never bothered to open it up and check the hardware. I trusted the software.

At the time, I was using a popular operating system. The one that came installed with the PC when I purchased it. The OS was out-dated, and every attempt to upgrade the OS to the newest version was met with insistence that the hardware couldn’t handle the advancement. I resigned to lower security, the fact that my laptop couldn’t do what I thought it should, and that I was just stuck with an old clunker that grew slower and slower with each passing day.

I decided to start researching ways to upgrade my laptop without having to spend a whole bunch of money. I looked into getting a webcam, and I got an aux cord so that I can still use my headphones. I figured I’d save my fancy earpods for when I’m on my phone. This was a decent fix, I suppose. But my beloved cauldron was still getting slower and slower.

Then, I stumbled upon something called Linux.

Linux is an operating system that is open source. That means that anybody can contribute to the making of it, and anybody can download and install it on their devices for free. Some people think that because it is available to everybody, it is less secure. In fact, it is actually MORE secure because there have been so many more variety of sources to update, evaluate, and resolve issues within the systems.

The version I chose is Linux Mint, because it is supposed to be the most user-friendly for those of us who are NOT tech savvy. A simple google search taught me how to install it on my laptop. I did have to erase my laptop, but luckily, I keep all of my important documents backed up in Google Drive. I’ve said it once, and I’ll say it a million more times: Google does a wonderful job.

I digress. The only thing I needed to purchase in order to install Linux Mint was a flash-drive. I got one at the dollar store for $4. I downloaded the OS and put it on the flash-drive. I backed up my content, and then followed the steps that the internet gave me. The whole process took maybe an hour and a half, if you include the drive to the dollar store.

Linux Mint is shockingly easy to use. Every single application and clickable thing is SO self-explanatory. For example, in the menu, your options for browsing the internet are under “Internet” instead of confusing words like “browser” or “safari”.

Upon going through my menus, I discovered a camera option, and decided to click on it for S’s and G’s. The shocked image of my own face reflected back at me on my computer screen.

MY LAPTOP HAS HAD A CAMERA THIS ENTIRE TIME, AND THE STUPID MAINSTREAM OPERATING SYSTEM I HAD WANTED ME TO PAY TO USE IT!!!!

I also have bluetooth!!! This laptop is a decade old. I haven’t been able to use the “premium” features I paid for when I purchased the laptop due to the constraints put on it within the operating system that costed money. I will NEVER go back to mainstream operating systems again.

Linux, you’ve won me over. Thank you for being free, and thank you for being ACTUALLY user-friendly!!!

Rant

I heard that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting to get different results.

I also heard that addicts tend to display this behavior. I heard this at an AA meeting that I went to with my husband when we were newly into our relationship.

I am an alcoholic, but I did not quit via the twelve-steps like so many people have been able to. That system didn’t work for me. I had to quit via my own system. Even then, it took me a long time to become fully sober. I’d still slip up on weekends or stressful days. In truth, if I hadn’t started getting an insane rash on my face every time I drank alcohol, I probably would never have been able to quit. But I had a visual reminder every time I looked into the mirror of what I was doing to my body; poisoning it. Alcohol is poison, lets just get that out of the way now. Yes, it makes you feel good in the moment, but look at what it does to people. Under the influence of alcohol, I’ve done some of the stupidest things I’ve ever done in my life. I assume I can’t be the only one. In fact, I know I’m not because of that AA meeting.

My husband is the kind of drunk that is super fun and loving, until the lights go out. Then he is a monster. He says mean things, and doesn’t know his strength and loses all depth perception leading to accidents. I absolutely adore the person that he is when he is sober, so I made him go to AA and I went to his first meeting with him. At that meeting, there was a guy who said he always kept waiting to get “good” at drinking. Meaning, he always kept waiting to be able to be that cool guy that sips on one or two drinks and might get a slight buzz but maintains his composure and doesn’t go overboard. Alcoholics don’t have that guy inside of them. They will never be that guy. I will never be that guy. I kept trying really hard to be the cool party girl, but I was just the drunk girl and then eventually I was just the drunk.

If you were my friend at the time, I peed in your bed at some point. I was that alcoholic.

So I know what addiction feels like, and I know that it is possible to make a change if you want it badly enough because I did it. This brings me to my angry thought of the day: why can’t people want to change badly enough?

Wednesday’s Worries (# 2)

I hate the cry-it-out method!

We took Limon Junior to the doctor for his 15 month check-up visit, and one of the things we discussed with the doctor was the difficulty getting Junior to bed at night. She said that we needed to make sure we have a consistent nightly routine, and that we need to just leave him in his bed. She called this the cry-it-out method.

After some googling*, the cry-it-out method means that you basically just leave your kid to sit alone and cry until they pass out. I hate that SO MUCH.

My family has a pretty consistent daily routine. I also have figured out a fairly strict sleeping schedule that Junior sticks to rigorously. I say that meaning, he gets sleepy at bedtime. That doesn’t mean that he goes to sleep at bedtime! There is a nightly struggle. We say goodnight to Daddy, we get comfy, we put on our rain sounds, and I sing Junior to sleep. Sometimes, I am singing for over an hour. This isn’t working for me.

Junior increasingly wakes up during the night and wants to be held and sung back to sleep. He’s now over 20 pounds, though! I had to buy a rocking chair, because carrying him around the bedroom while I sung was killing my back. I don’t spend the night in bed with my husband anymore, because I am trying to get the baby back to sleep or have fallen asleep in my stupidly comfortable new rocking chair. This isn’t working for me!

My husband has started getting upset with Junior when he wakes up during the night, because it takes me from his side and he knows that I might not be coming back during the night at all. This is not working for us.

I broke down and bought some ear plugs. I got the cheapest ones possible, the squishy ones you get in a pack of like 50 for I think maybe three or four dollars. I haven’t had the courage to use them until today.

My husband works ten to twelve hours a day, and I stay home working my research job and taking care of Junior and the house. I like it because I get to control my environment consistently and my husband gets a comfortable place to lay his head and good food to eat. However, my husband being gone and me being responsible for so much at one time often makes it impossible to give Junior the attention he wants particularly at naptime. I don’t have time to sing to him multiple hours during the middle of the day.

Today, I am working on a particularly grueling research project. Junior has been recovering from his vaccines** that he got at his doctor visit, and has had a fever for a day or so. Fevers always make him extra fussy. I thought maybe we would be in the clear for me to be able to finish my project since he hasn’t had a fever today. I was incorrect. He has been extra fussy today, probably due to the lack of sleep he has had the last few days that he has had a fever. I need him to sleep. I don’t have time to sing him to sleep.

I brought out the ear plugs. I stuffed them in my ears, and I covered them with my hair so Junior wouldn’t see them. I went and made him a bottle, and put on some monotonal lullaby tunes for babies. I put him in his play area with some pillows and a couple soft blankets and plushies. I gave him a sweet smile and a hug and kissed him on the head. Then, I turned away to work on my research project on my computer.

I could still hear Junior crying, so I put my over-the-ear headphones on and some soft jazz.

I set a timer for five minutes to check on him, and when the timer went off he was already asleep. Five minutes. Not an hour. Not an hour and a half. Five minutes.

I hate the cry-it-out method. It makes me feel like I am doing a terrible job at being a mother. It goes against everything that I am supposed to be. I am supposed to stop him crying. I am supposed to comfort and hold and warm him. But it seems like the cry-it-out method works. At least, it worked this one time.

He is still asleep. I was able to finish my project and write this entire post in the time that it would have taken just to get him asleep. I don’t know how that might throw off our afternoon and evening schedules, but I’ll take it. And actually, since he is still knocked out, I think I will also take a nice little bath. I finished my work. The kitchen is clean, and dinner is planned. Time to treat myself.

*quick side note, I absolutely adore Google and Gemini and me are best friends. If anyone talks smack about Gem, I’ll give them a knuckle sandwich. Gem helps me more than my own family sometimes.

**if you are not vaccinating your children, you need to keep your children away from my healthy one please and thank-you.

The Importance of A Smile

I had a particularly rough time with my newborn son. He is my first, and currently only, child. I might be a great big sister, but my maternal instincts did not kick in the way I expected them to. I kept finding myself getting increasingly frustrated with his crying. It seemed like every time he started crying, he didn’t stop! One day, he was crying and I realized he was avoiding looking at me. I looked in the mirror, and I had a deep scowl etched into my face, dark circles around my eyes, my hair was wild. No wonder my kid was crying so much, he was probably terrified of me!

I splashed some water on my face, and took a grounding deep breath. I looked myself in the eyes, and told myself this was temporary, and my son is vulnerable and scared. It is my job to comfort and assure him. I went back into the room where my son was still crying in his crib, and the moment his eyes locked on mine and he registered the smile on my face, it was as if the clouds broke. He stopped crying, and broke out in a sleepy grin that took up his entire face. My heart ripped into a thousand pieces. My son had been mirroring my misery.

My son didn’t start crying because of something I did, maybe he was just hungry or needed a quick diaper change. He sure kept crying because of something I did, though. I was showing him that he wasn’t important to me, and that his discomfort made me angry and upset.

Controlling my facial expressions has always been a particular challenge of mine. Everyone I know always tells me that I have an extremely expressive face. I wear my emotions openly and for everyone to see. I do not have the ability to school my face. I have tried so many times over the years. The closest to control I can manage is a horrific, maniacal smile that is frankly quite off-putting. My face will and always will show what is happening inside my mind, no matter what I do about it.

I heard somewhere that smiling does something psychologically to you to change your mood. Some sort of fake-it-till-you-make-it dogma. It has never worked for me, and I have never figured out why. Forcing myself to smile has always just felt fake and disingenuous to me. I don’t like having to conform to some mold that isn’t what I actually am. It is why I have been fired from so many jobs. I stay true to who I am. This is essential to myself as a person. If I feel an emotion, I let myself feel it.

But how can I be true to myself, feel my emotions, but also control myself for my son’s sake?

The answer is delightfully macabre, and I can’t wait to share it with you.

The Duchenne Smile

In the nineteenth century (around the 1860s), there was a French neurologist named Guillaume Duchenne that performed a series of experiments on the anatomy of the face. In some of these experiments, he used an electric probe to zap places around the musculature of the face in order to see what muscles control individual facial expressions. He used the then-groundbreaking technology of photography to record the expressions of his victims. I say victims, because it was supposedly so painful that he had to resort to performing his zapping experiments on corpses.

Duchenne discovered that a genuine smile includes two muscles, the names of which are super complicated so I’ll just say that one compresses the skin around the eyes into crows-feet, and the other lifts the cheeks.

The reason a fake smile never worked for me is because I was focusing on my teeth. Weird, huh? You think of a smile, and you think mouth and teeth. I needed to change my focus to my eyes. They say the eyes are the windows of the soul, don’t they? I was not smiling with my eyes, and my kid could see that I wasn’t happy to be helping him. I wasn’t happy and so I didn’t appear happy.

So how could I make myself be happy? I needed to just follow the advice that everyone had been giving me all along, and smile! A real, genuine smile! Smile with my eyes! But why does that work?

Apparently, in order to produce a Duchenne smile without thinking about it, the impulse begins somewhere in your sensory system. You see, feel, smell, hear, or touch something that makes you happy. Some chemical wizardry happens inside your brain, releasing your happy chemicals. These happy chemicals spark specific nerve impulses like a chain reaction from your brain to your muscles. Without even thinking about it, your eyes begin to tighten and your cheeks lift.

If you tighten your eyes and lift your cheeks using the specific muscles needed for the Duchenne smile, you can trick your brain into thinking that the happy chemicals have been released because those muscles usually only fire off when you are happy. This can cause a little bit of brain-confusion or what I like to call a mental reset. It helps me if I close my eyes and imagine something truly blissful while I’m trying to trick my brain. Taking a deep breath, and maybe counting a little can also help.

I didn’t realize you can smile wrong. There are a lot of things I have learned while on my journey as a mother, and this is perhaps one of the most useful things. Smile with your eyes. If you smile with your eyes, you can take yourself out of the moment you are currently in and reassert your own reality. Not only this, but everyone around you will think you are the calm in the storm. Your child will feel like they are being enjoyed, even if they’re having a hard moment.

I hope you are able to find that calm place in your mind that you can retreat to and allow yourself to smile a real, genuine, Duchenne smile.

*You can check my sources! https://www.sciencedirect.com/topics/psychology/duchenne-smile https://www.psychologicalscience.org/observer/the-psychological-study-of-smiling https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC2826128/#R9 https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Guillaume_Duchenne_de_Boulogne

Wednesday’s Worries

Today, I don’t feel like giving advice. Today, I just want to go off on things I’m worried about in the world.

Maybe we will make this a recurring post?

I have been seeing an increasing number of homeless folks. Is it that I am paying more attention all the sudden? I don’t think so. I think there are an increasing number of unhoused people. This is deeply concerning to me, because our country is only as good as how we treat the lowest among us. How can we expect to teach our children to treat people with decency when we step over or around folks who are covered in filth and probably haven’t eaten?

And yet…

There is a man in my neighborhood who has been begging for years. He used to see me every day, the same exact way. We’d run in to one another on the same exact corner during our respective commutes, and we had done this for almost a decade. When he’d see me, he’d always begin with the words, “Ma’am, I don’t mean no harm. I don’t mean no disrespect.” And then, he’d give me a reason for why he needed money from me. The first year or so, he stuck to almost the same story about his wife who was ill and he was on the way to pick up her medicine, but didn’t quite have enough. Then, he needed a meal. Then, he had to take a bus out of town and he had the ticket, but didn’t have enough change to take the city bus to the commercial bus station. Please remember, this went on for years. I only ever gave him money the first time he asked me. One time. I gave him one dollar. I wish I could go back and pay him one million dollars to never have the same interaction again almost every day for what would seem like the rest of my life.

I don’t really have a point to this.

I don’t know the man’s name. I usually am in such a hurry, that I don’t even bother to give him a full “I don’t have cash” type of sentence. It bothers me that he still asks me, but that he seems not to recognize me. Though, I don’t ever greet him with recognition.

These days, I actively avoid that corner. I haven’t stepped there in almost 5 years now. But I think of this man every time I leave my house, because I see more and more just like him lining up down the streets. The bridge near the local high school is like a breeding grounds for them, and it gets dangerous at night. Cars get broken into. You sometimes hear gunshots, and you wonder if it is an aggressor or someone trying to protect their home. I don’t live in a bad area. I live in a middle-class neighborhood in a suburb of San Antonio, Texas. I don’t live in what you’d think of as a ‘third-world country’.

I don’t know enough about the economy, or politics, or employment rates or housing rates or anything like that to make any kind of informed statements about this. I can only say that it bothers me, and I don’t know how to help.

I don’t know if I should go back to that corner, and give him a dollar every day. I don’t know if helping one person one time will do anything at all.

I do know that I don’t hear anybody talking about it. I know that it seems like everyone is okay with the world around us changing from our green pastures to barren wasteland. I know that it feels like we need some deep, deep mothering.

How to Type with Long Nails

This is easier said than done, I am just warning you ahead of time. I say this with my freshly manicured nails and my wrists already aching from typing at an unfamiliar angle.

Today, I went with my brother to the store to get a few things. We find it easier to spend time together if we are also running errands. Not that we do not enjoy our time together, we just have separate lives and can get wrapped up in them and forget to call one another. We bring the baby along, they get uncle-nephew time, I get a little break, and get some stuff done. It works best for everyone this way. We went in the cosmetics section to get some nail glue for my brother. He is, and will always be, a million times more fabulous than I am. I got to looking at the press-ons, and wouldn’t you know, they have these gorgeous lemon gel press-on nails. Well, you know I’m crazy about lemons. Of course, I bought them.

Lemon nails

I am currently pretending that I am playing the piano while I type, my hands are flat and I am using the meaty part of my finger to type. I feel like I am doing more arm movement than normal while doing this. I will say it helped a lot to move my computer further back on my desk and rest my elbows on the desk. Normally, my elbows are down at my side.

Now that I have adjusted my hand and arm positions and moved my computer back, I am typing much faster! I am still making quite a lot of mistakes, and my perfectionist side isn’t too happy about that. It seems like if I let my hands hover a little bit, I make less mistakes! Okay, I think I got this! Excellent!

This is definitely not my favorite way to type, but I am getting the hang of it. If I can do it, you can do it too!