Rant

I heard that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting to get different results.

I also heard that addicts tend to display this behavior. I heard this at an AA meeting that I went to with my husband when we were newly into our relationship.

I am an alcoholic, but I did not quit via the twelve-steps like so many people have been able to. That system didn’t work for me. I had to quit via my own system. Even then, it took me a long time to become fully sober. I’d still slip up on weekends or stressful days. In truth, if I hadn’t started getting an insane rash on my face every time I drank alcohol, I probably would never have been able to quit. But I had a visual reminder every time I looked into the mirror of what I was doing to my body; poisoning it. Alcohol is poison, lets just get that out of the way now. Yes, it makes you feel good in the moment, but look at what it does to people. Under the influence of alcohol, I’ve done some of the stupidest things I’ve ever done in my life. I assume I can’t be the only one. In fact, I know I’m not because of that AA meeting.

My husband is the kind of drunk that is super fun and loving, until the lights go out. Then he is a monster. He says mean things, and doesn’t know his strength and loses all depth perception leading to accidents. I absolutely adore the person that he is when he is sober, so I made him go to AA and I went to his first meeting with him. At that meeting, there was a guy who said he always kept waiting to get “good” at drinking. Meaning, he always kept waiting to be able to be that cool guy that sips on one or two drinks and might get a slight buzz but maintains his composure and doesn’t go overboard. Alcoholics don’t have that guy inside of them. They will never be that guy. I will never be that guy. I kept trying really hard to be the cool party girl, but I was just the drunk girl and then eventually I was just the drunk.

If you were my friend at the time, I peed in your bed at some point. I was that alcoholic.

So I know what addiction feels like, and I know that it is possible to make a change if you want it badly enough because I did it. This brings me to my angry thought of the day: why can’t people want to change badly enough?